god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
