she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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