she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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