I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
