I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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