Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
