First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
