My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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