If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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