What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
