i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
