Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
