tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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