half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
