I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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