Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
