Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You made out with two different species that night
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
