What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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