So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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