She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
