No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
