Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
