Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
