The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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