Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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