Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
