i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
