New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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