i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
