We're facebook friends in real life
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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