recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
