none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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