dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
