dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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