from now on my penis is your penis
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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