That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
