you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I need moral support for this bender
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
