dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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