I wish my penis had an off switch
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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