some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
She's like a pop up book from hell.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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