i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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