You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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