That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
