All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
