i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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