Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
