i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
