If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
