every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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