He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
